Monday, February 15, 2010

Nora's Bear

So I got quite a few private emails asking me about Nora’s Blanket. So here are my mixed emotions of today and the story of her bear.

When I knew that she wasn’t going to survive past birth I was trying to find ways that our family wouldn’t forget her. I mean I carried her for 5 1/2 months and she is important to me. She is important to Beckham too! He was so excited to be a big brother and it still breaks my heart when he asks why she isn’t here and why can’t he play with her. Someday’s I have perfect happy answers and other days I break down and cry with him.

It hurts when my mom and mother-in-law buy stuff for their grand-babies and there isn’t anything for Nora. Every time I think... there should be one more. I know how awkward it must be for them and how they don’t know what to do. I don’t expect them to get anything either, it just hurts.

After my lesson yesterday I kept thinking about the pre-mortal life. I wonder if we knew what trials we would go through... I wonder what I thought about this trial. If I thought that I could do it then, then I can do it now. Have you ever wondered about that? I have. Some days that’s the only thing that gets me through it.

Lately I’ve been INCREDIBLY jealous of other families that get babies. They get the miracle I want with all my heart! They get children that live! I don't understand God's ways and why other families get children that live and mine don't. (Minus Beckham) I try to have faith and I do believe that God's will is best. But my WHOLE SOUL aches that all of my babies beyond Beckham have to be the ones that die. Of course I don't want any babies to die, but especially mine! I have so many friends who have had babies this past year, or are having babies this year... (I think that there are 10 women pregnant in my ward) and I am happy for them, but then again I always think why can’t that be me?

All I know about pregnancy lately is death, and though I have great hope, there is no guarantee for me, there is no guarantee that I will even get pregnant again. I HOPE and PRAY that I will and that we will get our happy ending, but do I have enough faith? Do other people that have infertility problems get babies because they have enough faith and do all of mine die because I don't have enough faith? I do believe God is a God of miracles, it is obvious in so many things around me, but I do struggle heavily with the belief He will perform a miracle for ME personally. I feel very weak and very fragile. As immense as the pregnancy joys of my friends, my sorrow is just as immense as I struggle with my own insecurities and my own losses.

Nora’s bear is something so special to me. It’s my way of remembering her. It’s my way to think she isn’t forgotten. It’s my way to know that I have a baby “girl” waiting for me. I wonder what the other genders of our kids are?

Here is Nora wrapped in her blanket with daddy!

and here is the Bear we turned it into.

Look at the cute little name patch on the back!

I know that many of you are thinking “You cut her blanket up? Are you crazy?” But this is seriously the best thing! I would never go back in time and change it! I rather have her displayed in my house then have her stuffed in a box that is shoved away.

Here is a song that I LOVE and that I have been listening to a lot lately. I thought that you might all enjoy it, make sure you read the words.


Robins Family said...


That is such a very cute idea. I love the bear. I agree I would rather display it then have it shoved away somewhere.

You are very strong. I dont think God would take your baby away because you dont have enough faith. I think you are very right about knowing our trials before we came here. I think we are all given trials that God knows we can over come and learn the lessons we need to learn from them to strengthen us. To be strong members in His church. To share with others that are going through the same thing.

I think your feelings and questions are very normal. I think that's when Saten tries to get to us and our faith, is when we are weak.

Give yourself time. I dont think your heart will ever heal all the way. I think you will always think that Grandma should have gotten one more item for Nora, or her auntie.

I want to give you a couple of blog addresses. I know the medical reason aren't the same between your little Nora's and this little family (at least I don't think....pretty sure not.) But its been almost 2 years since I came across this blog and its really amazing at how this women has become so strong. I envy how strong she is.

Hope you get feeling better. Sorry for the novel.

jill said...

I love you Jamie. I love that you're honest in your pain and your faith and your struggle to bring them together some days and that you're triumphant in that other days. Like I said, I love you. I want to make it all better. I'm going to buy you a punching bag for those hard days- let's go shopping.

Amy said...

I absolutely love you. You are such an incredible person, and I know without a doubt that God loves you and He is mindful of you. I know He is hurting right now for you, and I know that He will answer your prayers.. in some way. Please know that you are constantly in my prayers and thoughts.

aLeXis said...

Oh, Jamie...I love you! I hope you know that....and I hope you know how much you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. I think you are such an amazing woman...and thank you for being so honest in how you feel. I agree with you that we do know our trials before we came here. I am sure you knew it would be hard....probably didn't understand just how hard....but you can and are getting through it. And you will be so blessed for enduring through this almost impossible challenge. I love you so much...and please please let me know if there is ever anything I can do....especially on those hard days.

Lindy said...

You are so much stronger than me! Church is really hard right now with all those pregnant women... I know exactly what you mean! Shaun and I are really really private about our personal struggle and just push off questions of babies saying that we are not ready. In reality we've been trying for a long time with no luck. And it's just too painful to talk about. In fact I can't believe I'm telling anybody... So hang in there girl! I think that you are a great mother but most importantly I see the loving way that you look at your Husband and it touches my heart. There are very few wives out there who show their love and devotion just through a look and I just think it's so special! Stay close to eachother and whatever is meant to be will be...