Tuesday, May 22, 2012

The Month of May

I had a sweet phone call from an amazing person today that really helped me out so much. I've been bottling up my emotions for so long that I was just bound to burst at any moment. I have been staying clear of blogging because I always think that... they, the millions of people who read this blog, don't wanna read what little old Jamie has to say. I mean come on... shouldn't she be better now? To tell you the truth I feel like I'm just on the first step of that ladder that I was talking about earlier. I've made it out of the ground but I only have one foot on the step. Maybe I'm afraid to start climbing again to be honest, I'm afraid that I'll climb an climb only to be knocked down again.

Mothers day is always hard. Just trying to remember how to inhale and exhale, and in which order, and to repeat the process in its entirety, all day, every day, after the death of Nora seems like a hard thing to do. I have my dream job (stay at home mommy), my dream husband, a loving family, awesome church, strong faith, my children who are the cherries on top.. but I'm forever incomplete without the cherries that are missing from my sundae.

Who ever decided that Memorial day should come right after mothers day should be checked out for mental issues. First I'm slammed with memories of my daughter who is missing from our lives and then I get slammed again with the thought of going to her grave... that darn place that no matter what kind of flowers I bring is always hard to step out of the car. I feel bad for Justin. Our anniversary is jammed in between the 2 Holidays and I feel like I think more about her during the month of May rather than him who is everything to me. I take him for granted so much and I just hope and pray that he knows how much he means to me... even if we argue about where and how the tomato plants should go in. LOL.

Well enough for today I guess. I'm sure I'll be back with more ramblings~


Darwin + Kiara said...


I was SO GLAD to see an update post from you! I've honestly been thinking about you a lot (I don't know if you saw the comment I recently left on your birthday post for Nora). My husband and I lost a baby last month at 16.5 weeks gestation. Our little Nastassia Grace had Down's Syndrome. Your story about Nora came to my mind shortly after we found out at 13 weeks that our sweet baby had problems and that there was a good chance we would lose her, which we did, the day before Easter.

It's been SUPER hard, and I know that you know how we feel and you know what we're going through. Please know that I'm so grateful you've shared such personal thoughts and feelings about Nora, because it has helped me tremendously as my husband and I are struggling through a similar trial, although our baby didn't make it as far as Nora did, and I'm sure if we would have made it further into our pregnancy it would have made it even harder to lose our sweet baby the more we got attached. Not that losing her at 16 weeks made it easier either. I still dream of holding my sweet baby girl in my arms (not just my hand) and being able to kiss her sweet little cheeks someday.

I have good days and bad days, and I'm sure that roller coaster will continue for a long time to come, but I find such peace and comfort in the Gospel and knowing that we'll get to raise Nastassia someday.

Keep in touch, okay? Keep your chin up and know that I love you and your amazing example.

You should check out my blog, and plan to do the Running with Angels 5k with us next year. It was amazing to be there with so many other families who have lost little ones. It has helped us to know we're not the only ones dealing with such a difficult loss.

Thanks again for sharing your story and your thoughts. You're such an amazing woman and I totally look up to you!


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