Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Ugh moment

I was making muffins the other day for Megan’s bridal shower and my mind was wandering thinking about things. I don't know why or how but I got thinking about Nora and somehow she just popped into my mind. I miss her so much.

Will someone please tell me “How in the WORLD am I still alive after that, how did I live through that without becoming completely messed up?!" Wait, maybe I am. During the shower I saw a lot of people in our old ward and they brought up Nora. It was so hard to talk about her without wanting to cry. I don’t know why either.... usually I’m SO happy when people remember our daughter. Then it happened the thing that I HATE most!!!! People start saying man those Hamblin’s just have all boys! I just want to seriously scream at the top of my lungs and say “Are you really that dumb” There is a girl in our family, just because she isn’t with us in human form doesn’t mean that she doesn’t exist or that we never had her. It drives me crazy that people just disregard her. Especially when my own family does it. Justin and I look at each other when people do it and he knows that it just breaks my heart. He’s mentioned how that really hurts me to his family and they must have forgot because they do it all the time when people ask about my pregnancy. I shouldn’t let it bother me so bad but it really does. It really makes me want to curl up in a ball and cry. We still miss Nora and we still have our struggles everyday. I just don’t get it when people think that I should be over it and that it’s okay to say hurtful things.

When you're pregnant everyone asks if this is your first and I ALWAYS say 3rd no matter who it is. I wish that my family wouldn’t say “oh this is her second” because then people ask "are you having a boy or girl?" and I say "boy" then they proceed to say.... "don’t worry, you’ll get a girl someday"...I ALREADY have one people! Then the family goes into the “Well at least we get to pick the girls in our family, because we don’t have any that are born into the family” Then the curling up into the ball comes over my body because they just disregarded Nora again which is like a stab in the heart!

Ugh I wish that she was here. Beckham misses her too. Every night when he says his prayers, he’ll pray that he can play with her and that she is having fun with tonto and his 2 lizards and that she’s safe. It’s so sweet to see him remember her. Every time a balloon is released or accidentally let go he’ll say “mommy, mommy look Nora get’s another balloon” He’s asked about her birthday coming up and asked if we are going to do something for her birthday. I love how children just get it and how they have the sweetest thoughts. Thank heavens for my 2 amazing boys that look after me and take care of my emotional mess. Love you Babe and I love you Beck!

I just wish I could hold her again, just for moment, so I could remember how very real she is. I miss her.


Darwin and Kiara said...

I totally understand the insensitivity that comes from other people, although your trial is definitely WAY more difficult than mine was, but it still hurts when people are insensitive. And I still struggle too. It's almost been a year since we lost our baby too. I'm so sorry that the pain comes back, and that it's brought by other people's comments. I also hate it when I tell people ask so I tell them this is our 2nd pregnancy but we obviously don't have any kids yet.

The thing that brings comfort to me is knowing that we will get to raise our child in the eternities. I am so glad that even if it feels like no one else understands my pain, at least my Savior does and I know I can turn to Him for comfort & strength.

Keep your chin up, Jamie, and know that Nora is STILL your daughter and that you WILL get to hold her again!! I'm sure she thinks about you all the time too. Hang in there, girl!

Just dandee said...

I love you Jamie. It is amazing that some people just don't seem to think much before they speak. Hang in there. You are strong even when you don't feel like you are. I admire you so much. I love that Beckham keeps Nora in his prayers. She will never be forgotten. She is definitely a very special little lady in your family.