Tuesday, November 1, 2011

1st week of November sucks

I've been feeling guilty lately. Like I'm not honoring Nora in the way I should. I wish we had a bigger party for her on her birthday. I wish I could see her again, even if for a moment. Even if it was in a dream or something... anything. I miss her.
I was brave enough to watch her ultrasound video today. Yeah. I lasted about 2 minutes before I broke down with tears streaming down my face... wondering to myself why I had put that darn DVD in the player. I guess I just wanted to see her ALIVE. I still question my strength. Why Heavenly Father thought that I was strong enough to handle this. I think back at all of the infertility we went through and how many times I got a needle with hormones injected in my butt... just to have it all taken away. I don’t get it. How could I be strong enough to handle that.
No, I know what you are thinking... I have Crue so everything should be better. Not at all. I have three children though you wouldn't know it to look at me. . 3 wonderful children who I love. I think it’s funny how people think Crue can just replace Nora... no one can ever replace a loss of a child. Or even better, I hear... “At least you were prepared for her loss. Other parents loose their baby without warning” Oh so the fact that I got to walk around pregnant with my baby knowing that she would die no matter what we did makes it all better. I would have taken those 2 months of happiness over anything.
As you might tell, I’m dealing with anger this week. I’m angry that she isn’t here, angry that I still get to have phantom kicks, angry that Beckham wasn’t allowed in the hospital to meet her.
When I was pregnant with Nora things were really good...I mean for me personally, I felt like I was doing really well in most aspects of my life. Things that I had struggled with before were not really a problem. I was in a really good place emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually. Heck I went through months of trying to get a baby and I was finally going to have a baby girl. Then my baby died and that latter that I'd been climbing so hard just knocked me all the way to the ground. Heck below the ground. Try 6 feet under. I started struggling mentally and emotionally again, and I didn’t have the strength to fight it this time...I was dealing with my daughter's death.
And so I sit here now feeling like I'm still trying to work my way up that ladder again. In some ways I still feel beaten down, like I'm barely getting off the ground again. Its really frustrating. Of course we are stronger in some areas because of it. There are some wonderful things that have come and still come from this experience, people I've met, opportunities I've had...but right now I'm just feeling sad. Angry. Hurt.

I miss you Nora.


Bethany said...

Oh, Jamie. I hurt for you and I know that it is only a miniscule of hurt compared to what you must be feeling. You are not wrong to have the feelings you are having. I only wish there was something I could truly do for you to help you other than to let you know that I care. You are in my prayers, that I can do.

Danielle said...

I understand your hurt Jamie...I admire you and your amazing family!! We can get together anytime and share our sweet memories of our miracle babies, which Im sure they are the very best of friends! {hugs}

Darwin + Kiara said...

I'm so sorry Jamie. It may not seem like it, but I think you're stronger than you think you are. Hang in there. Cling to your hubby and Heavenly Father. They'll help pull you through this difficult time. You are in my prayers. And if I could find a way to see you I'd give you a great big bear hug!!

kevin said...

I'm thinking of you. I recognize that I don't REALLY understand your grief and feelings, but please know that I care.

I've always admired you and your exceptional abilities and your wonderful testimony and faith.

Brenda said...

Thanks for your honesty Jamie. I love you so much. Thanks for all you have done for me.