Nora's Bear

So I got quite a few private emails asking me about Nora’s Blanket. So here are my mixed emotions of today and the story of her bear.


When I knew that she wasn’t going to survive past birth I was trying to find ways that our family wouldn’t forget her. I mean I carried her for 5 1/2 months and she is important to me. She is important to Beckham too! He was so excited to be a big brother and it still breaks my heart when he asks why she isn’t here and why can’t he play with her. Someday’s I have perfect happy answers and other days I break down and cry with him.

It hurts when my mom and mother-in-law buy stuff for their grand-babies and there isn’t anything for Nora. Every time I think... there should be one more. I know how awkward it must be for them and how they don’t know what to do. I don’t expect them to get anything either, it just hurts.

After my lesson yesterday I kept thinking about the pre-mortal life. I wonder if we knew what trials we would go through... I wonder what I thought about this trial. If I thought that I could do it then, then I can do it now. Have you ever wondered about that? I have. Some days that’s the only thing that gets me through it.

Lately I’ve been INCREDIBLY jealous of other families that get babies. They get the miracle I want with all my heart! They get children that live! I don't understand God's ways and why other families get children that live and mine don't. (Minus Beckham) I try to have faith and I do believe that God's will is best. But my WHOLE SOUL aches that all of my babies beyond Beckham have to be the ones that die. Of course I don't want any babies to die, but especially mine! I have so many friends who have had babies this past year, or are having babies this year... (I think that there are 10 women pregnant in my ward) and I am happy for them, but then again I always think why can’t that be me?

All I know about pregnancy lately is death, and though I have great hope, there is no guarantee for me, there is no guarantee that I will even get pregnant again. I HOPE and PRAY that I will and that we will get our happy ending, but do I have enough faith? Do other people that have infertility problems get babies because they have enough faith and do all of mine die because I don't have enough faith? I do believe God is a God of miracles, it is obvious in so many things around me, but I do struggle heavily with the belief He will perform a miracle for ME personally. I feel very weak and very fragile. As immense as the pregnancy joys of my friends, my sorrow is just as immense as I struggle with my own insecurities and my own losses.

Nora’s bear is something so special to me. It’s my way of remembering her. It’s my way to think she isn’t forgotten. It’s my way to know that I have a baby “girl” waiting for me. I wonder what the other genders of our kids are?

Here is Nora wrapped in her blanket with daddy!

and here is the Bear we turned it into.

Look at the cute little name patch on the back!


I know that many of you are thinking “You cut her blanket up? Are you crazy?” But this is seriously the best thing! I would never go back in time and change it! I rather have her displayed in my house then have her stuffed in a box that is shoved away.


Here is a song that I LOVE and that I have been listening to a lot lately. I thought that you might all enjoy it, make sure you read the words.