The Month of May

I had a sweet phone call from an amazing person today that really helped me out so much. I've been bottling up my emotions for so long that I was just bound to burst at any moment. I have been staying clear of blogging because I always think that... they, the millions of people who read this blog, don't wanna read what little old Jamie has to say. I mean come on... shouldn't she be better now? To tell you the truth I feel like I'm just on the first step of that ladder that I was talking about earlier. I've made it out of the ground but I only have one foot on the step. Maybe I'm afraid to start climbing again to be honest, I'm afraid that I'll climb an climb only to be knocked down again.

Mothers day is always hard. Just trying to remember how to inhale and exhale, and in which order, and to repeat the process in its entirety, all day, every day, after the death of Nora seems like a hard thing to do. I have my dream job (stay at home mommy), my dream husband, a loving family, awesome church, strong faith, my children who are the cherries on top.. but I'm forever incomplete without the cherries that are missing from my sundae.

Who ever decided that Memorial day should come right after mothers day should be checked out for mental issues. First I'm slammed with memories of my daughter who is missing from our lives and then I get slammed again with the thought of going to her grave... that darn place that no matter what kind of flowers I bring is always hard to step out of the car. I feel bad for Justin. Our anniversary is jammed in between the 2 Holidays and I feel like I think more about her during the month of May rather than him who is everything to me. I take him for granted so much and I just hope and pray that he knows how much he means to me... even if we argue about where and how the tomato plants should go in. LOL.

Well enough for today I guess. I'm sure I'll be back with more ramblings~

Happy Birthday Nora

Although my heart is full today... I feel my saviors love.



Love you Nora... Happy Birthday

1st week of November sucks

I've been feeling guilty lately. Like I'm not honoring Nora in the way I should. I wish we had a bigger party for her on her birthday. I wish I could see her again, even if for a moment. Even if it was in a dream or something... anything. I miss her.
I was brave enough to watch her ultrasound video today. Yeah. I lasted about 2 minutes before I broke down with tears streaming down my face... wondering to myself why I had put that darn DVD in the player. I guess I just wanted to see her ALIVE. I still question my strength. Why Heavenly Father thought that I was strong enough to handle this. I think back at all of the infertility we went through and how many times I got a needle with hormones injected in my butt... just to have it all taken away. I don’t get it. How could I be strong enough to handle that.
No, I know what you are thinking... I have Crue so everything should be better. Not at all. I have three children though you wouldn't know it to look at me. . 3 wonderful children who I love. I think it’s funny how people think Crue can just replace Nora... no one can ever replace a loss of a child. Or even better, I hear... “At least you were prepared for her loss. Other parents loose their baby without warning” Oh so the fact that I got to walk around pregnant with my baby knowing that she would die no matter what we did makes it all better. I would have taken those 2 months of happiness over anything.
As you might tell, I’m dealing with anger this week. I’m angry that she isn’t here, angry that I still get to have phantom kicks, angry that Beckham wasn’t allowed in the hospital to meet her.
When I was pregnant with Nora things were really good...I mean for me personally, I felt like I was doing really well in most aspects of my life. Things that I had struggled with before were not really a problem. I was in a really good place emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually. Heck I went through months of trying to get a baby and I was finally going to have a baby girl. Then my baby died and that latter that I'd been climbing so hard just knocked me all the way to the ground. Heck below the ground. Try 6 feet under. I started struggling mentally and emotionally again, and I didn’t have the strength to fight it this time...I was dealing with my daughter's death.
And so I sit here now feeling like I'm still trying to work my way up that ladder again. In some ways I still feel beaten down, like I'm barely getting off the ground again. Its really frustrating. Of course we are stronger in some areas because of it. There are some wonderful things that have come and still come from this experience, people I've met, opportunities I've had...but right now I'm just feeling sad. Angry. Hurt.

I miss you Nora.

Blogs

I have a love hate thing with blogs... I find myself surfing crafting/DIY blogs for like 30 mintues a day and for what?

To do a craft that I'll never finish? Or to get mad about all of the great gifts the hosts get.

recently Silhouette company gave away 64 machines... oh and 32 only went to readers.. the other half went to the hosts who already get paid for their blogs. Ugh just having one of those love hate days!

Digital Scrapbooking retreat!

GO here to learn more.